Break Through Self-Doubt and Fear
By Simma Lieberman
Self-doubt and fear interfere with our ability to achieve or
set goals. Self-doubt and fear are the voices in our head telling
us, "You'll never succeed, so why try?" and "who do you think
you are?" Self-doubt and fear are also what make us listen to
those voices and decide to give up before we get started.
While many people experience self-doubt and fear at some point
in their lives, they take action anyway. Others remain stuck,
or are confident in only one area of their life, such as work.
They are too afraid to try new things like going back to school,
entering new relationships or learning new skills.
When we let self-doubt and fear rule our lives, we miss opportunities.
We predict and believe that nothing good will happen to us, so
we don't try anything new, and refuse to take even low-level risks.
This leads us to discount people or situations that could help
us reach our goals. While self doubt and fear can come in different
forms and from different sources, we can learn to break through
them.
the vicious cycle of self-doubt and fear
I know what it's like to live with self-doubt and fear. For years
my life was ruled by these feelings. I grew up in a lower income
family in the Bronx, New York. I heard over and over again that
people like us could never really be successful.
As early as kindergarten my teacher told my mother I was slow
and not to expect too much from me. I was put in the slow-learners
class. In reality, I was very smart but bored. My next teacher
recognized this and moved me from the slow-learners class to the
the advanced class. But I still had my voices telling me: "You'll
never make it. You'll never be popular." I felt I wasn't as good
as other people because I didn't have the money and nice clothes
that some of the other girls had. I was also shy and not in the
popular crowd. I internalized outside messages and became a troublemaker.
My parents viewed my education as a pathway for becoming a teacher,
social worker or civil servant. They limited my vision and left
me believing that I didn't have a choice in what I wanted for
my future. I couldn't understand how people became successful
at something. But others saw potential in me. I was encouraged
to study journalism and was placed in a special writing program.
It could have been an incredible opportunity. Instead, I listened
to my fears that I'd never make it, so I left the program and
pretended that I didn't care.
Later, I got accepted to the High School of Performing Arts in
New York. Acting had always been my dream, despite the fact that
people said my "blue collar" Bronx accent would keep me from success.
My parents loved me but didn't know how to give me support. They
told me it was good to go to Performing Arts but that being an
actor was out of reach for me. Rather than focus on the fact that
I had gotten accepted to this wonderful school, I focused on the
negative. My perception was that everyone else was wealthier,
more experienced and more talented than me. I told myself: "You're
not as good as everyone else. If you try and don't make it, you'll
look like a fool. But if you don't try, you can still be cool." I pretended
that I didn't really want to act. I didn't try, and I sabotaged myself. I felt
like I had no one to talk to about
my ambition. Eventually, I gave up trying and left. I told everyone,
including myself, that it didn't matter. But the truth is, I had
been afraid to try.
I spent the next two years in another high school, where I used
drugs daily and became an addict. I still managed to do well on
tests and graduated from high school at age 16. None of that meant
anything to me, because by that time I had such low self-esteem,
I thought if I could do it, it must be easy. I continued to feel
that I was never good enough. My life was defined by what other
people thought of me.
I had other opportunities. I was approached on the street by
a magazine photographer and became a model at one of the top agencies
in the world. I still carried my negative messages and told myself
I couldn't do it. I still felt that I was unattractive and couldn't
conceive of success. I gave up and dropped out. I just didn't
believe in my ability to accomplish anything.
I tried moving to Eugene, Oregon because I blamed my problems
on where I lived and the people in my life. In one year I managed
to gain over 90 pounds and get addicted to coffee, cigarettes
and other substances. I blamed everyone else for my lack of money,
healthy relationships and happiness. I lived in constant fear
but was afraid to admit it.
My self-destruction finally resulted in a breakdown of my physical
health and I had to be hospitalized and undergo major surgery.
Doctors told me what I already knew: I had to make a major change.
It was time to look at my past and my present and to decide what
I wanted for my future. If I didn't break through negative thoughts
I would always stay where I was.
making positive changes
I had to learn to change my attitude about myself. I read about
and talked to people who had broken through their self-doubts
and taken control of their lives. I got support from others and
consciously began turning my destructive self-talk into constructive
self-talk. I knew that if I took certain actions, my mind and
emotions would follow. I let go of people who negatively influenced
my life. I told myself that I was important, and began to plan
and achieve my goals. I learned to have faith in my ability. I
quit smoking, gave up coffee, and began exercising and eating
well. The people I spent time with were also making positive changes
in their lives. My life began to improve. I no longer saw myself
as a victim. I learned to let go of blame and started taking small
risks. I stopped comparing myself to other people and began to
open up to new opportunities.
Today I have a successful speaking and consulting business. I
have close friends, and a wonderful son. Learning from my life
and others, I'm raising him to believe in himself, understand
his feelings, and not be afraid of his fears. I travel throughout
the country talking to corporations, associations and other organizations.
Ten Techniques
If you need help overcoming feelings of self-doubt and fear,
please read these ten techniques and processes that have helped
me get to this place in my life.
- Make a list of your fears. Only by admitting that they exist
can you seek solutions.
- Write down how these fears affect your life.
- Become aware of the voices in your head and write down those
negative messages.
- Start building a support system of friends and eliminate people
from your life who foster feelings of negativity.
- Join a support group of people who have similar issues.
- Change each negative message to one that is affirming and
constructive.
- Read books that help you feel better about yourself.
- Be aware of your past, and be willing to let go of it.
- List your goals and the actions you need to achieve them.
- Take one of those actions every day. Each time you do something
that brings you closer to achieving your goals you will feel better
about yourself.
When fears and self-doubts come back, and they still do, I break
through them by using the tools and skills I've learned and now
teach. They work. •
© Simma Lieberman 2006
About the Author
Simma Lieberman is a consultant, speaker and author. She
works
with organizations to create environments where people can do
their best work. Contact Simma at (510) 527-0700 to discuss how
she can help you and the people in your organization break the
stress cycle and develop a more balanced life. Visit her website
at www.simmalieberman.com and
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05/24/06
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