The Art of Well-Being Series:
Building Healthy Self-Esteem
By Karen A. Dahlman
Our family of origin teaches us our self-esteem. It is based upon
an evaluation of ourselves we form about our personal competence
and self-worth. The bad news: low self-esteem becomes a habitual,
self-defeating way of reacting in the world. You forgo a level
of personal responsibility and follow a path of passivity. Events
happen to you instead of you making events happen. Successes are
discounted and failures are noticed. Anything “good” that happens
is viewed as luck, chance, fortitude or a fluke! When mishaps
occur, you identity your core being with the failures instead
of viewing the failures as temporary events. On the other hand,
the good news is since self esteem is a learned behavior, you
can unlearn, relearn and change it.
So, where can you find healthy self-esteem these days, especially
if you have been on this path of low self-esteem for some time?
For one, it is not found in the past. Regardless if you learned
your poor self-esteem from childhood, you cannot go back and retrieve
it. In fact, healthy self-esteem is always found in the present
by changing your current state of mind. You can learn to raise
your self-esteem while uncovering the truths about yourself, and
this comes down to one main tenet. This tenet asks you to change
your decision about yourself by changing your evaluation of yourself
today, in the here and now!
As Eleanor Roosevelt pointed out, “No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent.” The truth is that no one can “make you” feel
anything if you do not buy into it in the first place. You must learn to buy
into believing in yourself and not into perpetuating
your own assaults on your self-worth. There will always be naysayers
and critics out there, but their beliefs are not your truths,
but only truths about themselves.
So what does healthy self-esteem look like? Studies show that
high self-esteem correlates to how successful one is in life.
A person with a healthy self-esteem not only feels good about
oneself, but also, most importantly, establishes a sense of personal
and social responsibility. Personally, this person takes responsibility
for their strengths, knowing that their perseverance allowed them
to succeed. They admit their mistakes, knowing that their weaknesses
and failures are opportunities to realign themselves with their
goals. They know that all people make mistakes and do not interpret
their mistakes as indicative of their self-worth. Socially, they
acknowledge the strengths and successes in others and do not have
the need to compete or compare themselves with others.
So, how do you raise your self-esteem? Here are several tips
for developing your self-esteem quotient:
- Be open-minded — hear critique and criticism, but only hear
them as half-truths. Everyone has their own side to a story, as
do you and other people who know you. If you feel badly about
some critique you received, do not stew on it instead ask another
you respect what their take is. Do remember, that one’s negative
talk about another is often just a projection of one's own internal
conflicts and fears. They dump these fears instead of owning them.
- Start praising — and stop critiquing. By accepting others
and their weaknesses, you start to accept yourself. When you stop
finding fault in others, you learn to let up on yourself. This
includes, stop criticizing yourself! Learn to view your failures
and weaknesses as milestones to guide you on your way. Often you
learn the most under pressure and from our hardest times.
- See successes — take appropriate credit for your successes.
Chalk them up to dedication, hard work and your positive thinking.
Do not believe in luck and chance. Instead, know that you magnetized
your successes to you through an extension of your energy and
efforts. Accept responsibility. Praise the successes in others.
Know that their successes open the door to yours.
- Accept weaknesses — know that everyone makes mistakes and
no one is perfect. View your failures and weaknesses as temporary
statements about your existence. By no means are they permanent,
unless you perseverate about them. Ask yourself what your ideal
person with healthy self-esteem would do to move forward. Conjure
up the answer and focus on the solution. Think present, not past!
- Provide Self-care — pay attention to the needs of your heart,
mind and body. Follow their lead and learn from yourself. When
you learn to listen to your needs and wants and take action to
meet them, you elevate your self-worth. You become important.
How you treat yourself is how others learn to treat you. This
means accept compliments from others regardless of your belief
behind their motivations. Look the complimenter in the eyes and
say, “thank you.” They are immediately rewarded and acknowledged
for their compliment and you are establishing patterns for more
compliments in the future. Compliments definitely help in dire
times and become a way of receiving instant, external confirmation
and validation.
- Have goals — be the person you are and become the person you
want to be. In other words, participate in the act of living your
life. Make choices. Be proactive. Try something new or give yourself
permission to do something you have always wanted to do. Be gentle
with your imperfections and shortcomings, and do not allow them
to become roadblocks. Let go of perfection and focus on direction.
Your road to a healthy self-esteem is paved by your choices in
the present. Change the way you evaluate your experiences and
you can change the way your feel about yourself. Low self-esteem
continues out of practice of bad habits. You can change a habit
after thirty days of instilling a new behavior. Give yourself
one month for practicing the above tips and you will see a major
difference in the growth of your healthy self-esteem. •
About the Author
Karen A. Dahlman, art therapist, licensed counselor and entrepreneurial
business owner aspires to teach others to lead a creative life.
She is founder and CEO of Creative Visions Consulting, Inc., a
consulting & design firm for fortune 500 telecommunications companies.
Her latest business endeavor is Gifts of the Goddess — All-Natural
Body & Skin Care, which is close to her heart as it developed
from her work as a therapist, inspiring women to evoke their inner
goddess through self-empowerment and self-care of their bodies.
For more information about Gifts of the Goddess — All-Natural
Body & Skin Care, visit: www.giftsofthegoddess.com
Have a well-being question you would like to have answered? You
can write Karen at wellbeing@giftsofthegoddess.com for answers.
Copyright © 2005 Karen A. Dahlman. All rights reserved.
11/02/05
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