"The Veil"
Emelisa Mudle
Acrylic on canvas frame
40 x 50 cm

Heart Art ‘A journey into self’

By Emelisa Mudle

Ever been in a situation where fears rule your life, where you know there is something better, or at least a better way to be?

The creativity process started for me over five years ago. An interview at a Tafe college 'an introduction into fine arts'. I remember sitting there, feeling as though I was back at school listening to the teacher. I never liked school, I was a very insecure, sensitive child on many levels.

I could feel the fear coming up, feeling trapped, tests, failure, what if??? As the teacher spoke I could see how different it was from school. I am no longer the child but an adult, I was asked "why do you want to do this course?" and what came out was "I want to let go." Well, after listening to what he had to say I was so excited I signed right there and then.

First day at school, little lunch packed and a box of nerves to boot. I had never drawn, or painted. This course went on for six months, two days a week. I had never seen so many fears, comparisons and insecurities in myself as I had in those six months. "Not good enough", "what if I fail?", "I am too stupid to do this" and the list goes on...

Even though I was going through so much fear I was enjoying the learning and creative process that was unfolding within me. So I continued with the course onto next year "Fine arts 3". It was a lot more serious, three to four days a week and a lot more homework. And, to top it off, almost everyone in class had been doing art for years.

I remember my first day painting, it was about having fun and exploring the paint, marks, different brushes etc. Fun I thought? Fun! She has to be kidding, how can I, the perfectionist, have fun. So I sat there with brush in hand, looking down at a blank canvas. Looking up at everyone painting away and realising I was so scared to fail. I sat brooding, felt like the child at school who had thrown a mood and sat in the corner of the sandpit. After a slight push from the teacher I made my first mark, then my second, then I lost count as it got easier and easier from there. I still found myself comparing, yet I left my mark and that was what counted.

This had gone on for months, I couldn't even draw a cube, I sat there and felt so out of place but I was driven. I would get this and I practised and practised. I had great teachers who where very supportive which helped greatly.

Why I am telling you this story is that when you choose to let go and face a fear it is amazing how that will look. When I chose to do this course and let go I never knew it would take me to a relationship break-up, betrayal issues, leaving college and spending 11 months on a hill on my own. I had never experienced so much emotional pain and seen so many fears, I let fear rule my life. I had smothered myself in so much that I finally just 'let go.'

Yes that was where the 'let go' at the beginning of college took me.

I have continued painting at home and did a lot of painting through the painful time and my art started to change. I no longer became scared of the mark, I was the mark — I was no longer scared of me. The paintings that are on my site are in order of when they were done. You can see the difference in how I made my mark.

I wanted to share this with you because so many people are scared to try something new. We all have our excuses, I can't draw, I am not creative, I would be useless at that. We are all creative souls. Our minds are very good at sabotaging us. It takes courage to let go of control and try something different, where we embrace our fear and stop denying it and step through that seemingly large wall. We actually realise that wall wasn't that large after all.

We are so much more than we realise. Have you ever sat quietly and asked yourself: Who am I? What do I really want? I have no idea what is going to happen in my future other than letting go and learning to trust myself more. I have ideas, like doing art therapy, painting more, assisting others to let go. And in a way that is what I am doing now.

Endnote

I wrote the above story four years ago and I just wanted to add I am running creative workshops to assist others get in touch with themselves. I have traveled internationally running these workshops as well as in universities and health retreats. I am in a beautiful relationship that is loving and supportive. My dreams are coming true and I have started a new Workshop which I will run in the East San Francisco Bay area (California, USA) called "Living your Dreams" where we use creativity to guide us into creating what it is we really want. These workshops will be on the 12th and 26th of August 2006.

I feel so blessed to be where I am now and to have created the beautiful world I choose to live in. If I continued saying I can't do this and living my fears I would never be where I am today. •

© 2006 Emelisa Mudle

4/21/06