Yes is an incredibly powerful word, but like anything powerful, it should not be overused. I've told you some of the times when I believe you should consider saying yes to things. There are many other times when no is almost certainly the right answer.
1. Say No When No Is What You Really Want to Say
What do you really want? This is a question I ask myself surprisingly often. We live in a world so filled up with things we should do — grow our own vegetables, get more exercise, keep up with the news and social media, read the classics, get some fresh air every day, keep in touch with our family members and friends, rotate our tires — that I find it's sometimes difficult to distinguish between the things I really want to do and the things I know I'm supposed to do.
Think about it. If whatever you're considering falls in the category of things you don't want to do but believe you should, ask yourself what the real consequences would be of not doing it. When you really consider it, it may be that those consequences aren't so bad after all.
2. Say No When Saying Yes Feels Like Too Big a Risk
How much of a risk is too much? That question has a different answer for everyone. For me, taking a tandem skydive attached to a seasoned instructor constituted an acceptable risk. You may think I was nuts to do it, or maybe you think I was a coward for not doing a solo jump. Risk means something different to everyone.
As human beings, our view of risk can be inconsistent and even illogical. As a friend of mine once pointed out, some people refuse to eat nonorganic fruit for fear of carcinogens but drive down the highway without a seat belt on. We also accept different levels of risk in different spheres. For example, you may be fearless on the ski slopes but conservative about your investments. What is and isn't a worthwhile risk is something only you can decide, and there's almost never a right or wrong answer.
3. Say No When You'd Be Saying Yes to Please Someone Else
I have a good friend who says it's almost impossible to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. I admire that about her enormously. Just as I sometimes struggle with knowing what I really want, I struggle quite a lot with my desire to please others, or at least to avoid disappointing them. This tendency has gotten me to any number of parties that I didn't want to attend. It's also led me to take on assignments I knew weren't really right for me. My problem is that I'm a people pleaser, which is no way to live. Maybe you have a problem with this too.
I have a friend who turned seventy a few years ago. He told me that he found that age very liberating because he no longer did things just to please others; life was now too short for that. Like fear of embarrassment, the need to please others is part of being human, but not always a part that serves us well. Don't wait until you're seventy to let go of it, because you could run out of time for the things you really want.
4. Say No When Saying Yes Would Take Your Focus Away from Something More Important
There's a story out there that coaches and productivity gurus love to tell about Warren Buffett and his pilot. According to the story, Buffett asked his pilot to write down twenty-five career goals. Then Buffett told him to circle the five most important. When that was done, he asked the pilot what he intended to do. The pilot said he would get to work on the top five right away, and on the other twenty as time permitted. Buffett said he had it all wrong. The twenty goals that weren't among the top five were to be avoided at all costs until the top five goals were met, otherwise they might dilute the pilot's focus and stop him from reaching the important goals.
The problem with this story is that Buffett never said anything of the kind. Or at least, he said he didn't when asked about it during an annual meeting. But there's a reason the story has been repeated and republished so many times: the underlying concept is brilliant.
Modern life can seem like an endless menu of good ideas, opportunities, and things we know we should do to improve our health or further our careers. The problem is that you can wind up like me on a Sunday afternoon trying to pick out a movie to watch. I'll look through Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, and other streaming services; read descriptions and reviews of a dozen movies or more; watch half a dozen trailers — and wind up without enough time to watch any movie. We have to pare things down to what really deserves our focus, and that can be a difficult task. Making a list of lesser priorities that we should be careful not to focus on is a pretty good place to start.
A very successful executive once told me that what mattered in her career were the things she said no to, not the things she said yes to. I've thought about that comment a lot over the years, particularly when I've struggled myself with what seems like an endless list of priorities. When you're in that situation, the ability to say no to the things you might like to do but that aren't a top priority is a superpower. If you say no to enough stuff that's unimportant, you'll be able to truly shine when it counts.
Even Dr. Yes says no to things that don't align with his top priorities. When I asked Branson how he decides to say no to things, as every business leader must do sometimes, he answered that he gets advice from people he trusts and that he tries to learn from every setback and says no to things that would mean repeating past mistakes. Then he added, "I've also learnt to say no to opportunities that don't align with Virgin's purpose and the things I'm passionate about in life." I think that's a pretty smart approach.
Here's my very favorite story about the word yes. It's about how John Lennon and Yoko Ono first met. The famous Beatle was invited to preview Ono's conceptual art at a London gallery the night before her exhibit was to open. He liked the humor in the art right away. But he first became interested in the artist when he saw a small canvas hanging from the ceiling. Something too tiny to read was written on it, and there was a ladder and a spyglass nearby. Lennon climbed the ladder, looked through the spyglass, and saw that the canvas had just one word on it — the word yes. If it had said no, he wouldn't have been so intrigued, he said later.
"Even if I have no idea where I'm going or how to get there, I prefer to say yes instead of no," Branson wrote in the blog post that started me thinking about the word yes in the first place. "Life is a lot more fun when you say yes! It's amazing how that one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure."
What kind of adventure will saying yes bring to you?
Exercises to Try
1. Practice Asking for Time to Think
To say yes to the things you want most, you need to be good at saying no to the things that will take up more of your time and energy than they deserve. You know that sometime soon someone will ask you to take on a task that falls in this category. So — especially if you're afflicted with people-pleasing disease, as I am — practice this sentence in advance: "Can I have some time to think about it?"
Now if you know perfectly well that your answer is no, then by all means go ahead and say no. But if you aren't sure, or if you can't bring yourself to disappoint someone, then asking for time to think can be just the lifeline you need. For one thing, it will give you time to talk it over with a spouse, partner, friend, or family member, which might be enough to solidify your sense that this is something you should not take up. It also gives you the opportunity to answer the request at a time and in a manner of your choosing. For instance, if it pains you to say no in person, you could send a text or an email instead.
If you ask for time to think and the other person says no, that might make your decision a little bit easier. You can now say something like, "Well, I'm not sure, so if you really need an answer right now, I'd better say no."
2. Ask Why Not
On the other hand, you may be automatically saying no to opportunities or adventures out of instinct or habit. If someone invites you to try something new or you get the opportunity to do something that frightens you a little, but it's also something you feel drawn to, before you say no, ask yourself why not. It could be there's a good reason why no is the right answer: Saying yes would take up time or money or other resources you need for something else. Or it would mean taking an unacceptable risk. Or it wouldn't align with your goals or passions.
Either way, the important thing is that before you say no to something, you give it your full consideration. If you're saying no because you think you're not the kind of person who would do something like that or you don't feel qualified or it would take you outside your comfort zone, it could be that yes is the right answer. Or maybe not. Only you can really know.
3. Do Something Embarrassing
For too many of us, the fear of looking foolish, of doing something we're bad at, or of someone making fun of us can be nearly paralyzing. That's a sad thing, because fear of embarrassment often keeps us from doing things that might make us feel happier and freer.
Experts say that our comfort zones tend to shrink over time unless we consciously work to expand them. That's what I'm asking you to do. Find something that you'd like to do — except you fear that it would open you up to criticism or, worse, derision. What that something is, is up to you. It could be walking on the beach in your swimsuit if you're uncomfortable about your body. It could be giving a speech — most of us are uncomfortable with that. It could be singing a song or getting up and dancing at the next party you attend.
Whatever you pick, just do it. You can do it for only five minutes or only one minute. The point is to see how you feel afterward. If you feel awful, there's no need to ever do that particular thing again. But if you're like me, there's a good chance you'll feel exhilarated and relieved because it really wasn't so bad after all.
For best results, repeat this process often. The more often you step outside your comfort zone, the less confining it will be.
Copyright ©2023 Minda Zetlin. All rights reserved.
Excerpted from the book Career Self-Care: Simple Ways to Increase Your Happiness, Success, and Fulfillment at Work ©2022 by Minda Zetlin. Printed with permission from NewWorldLibrary.com.
Minda Zetlin is the author of Career Self-Care: Simple Ways to Increase Your Happiness, Success, and Fulfillment at Work. …